I’m taking the plunge…again. I tried Match.com briefly a few years ago with no success. I actually went out with three guys I met online and surprisingly, they were decent guys with good jobs: an engineer, a dentist and an actor. Ok, so just two had good jobs. I didn’t feel chemistry with any of them, but I’d certainly set them up with friends. For reasons I don’t recall, I abandoned the Match scene. My return is due to the fact that I can’t seem to meet any halfway decent guys using my current dating method which is the equivalent of the birth control method, “coming inside a woman.” In other words, totally ineffective. Here I begin the tale of my latest online dating journey…
Martha Stewart has thrown her chef’s hat into the online dating ring so of course I have to address her attempt. But first, my condolences to all the senior ladies in her area who uttered a collective “for fuck’s sake!” upon hearing the news of their latest competition.
First let me start with the photos. She has three heavily airbrushed photos that make her look 30 years younger. So clearly she understands that online dating is all about false first impressions. Nice work, Martha! Nothing says, “keepin’ it real” like photos with magazine credits.
She lists her age as 71 and I’ll trust she didn’t lie about that. She is seeking men 55-70. Apparently she doesn’t realize that men 55-70 are looking for women 35-50. When you’re a 71-year-old woman the only thing that should be next to “seeking” is “a pulse.”
She describes her body type as “Athletic and toned.” I think there are probably three 71-year-old women on the planet who are “Athletic and toned” and Martha Stewart isn’t one of them. But I suppose at that age, any woman who doesn’t use a walker qualifies as athletic.
Martha went with a little mystery on the Faith question by answering, “I’ll tell you later.” We all know what that means: she’s a secret Muslim. You’re a white woman, Martha– it’s safe to admit it.
I’m just getting started but I have so much to say about her “About me” section that I’m saving that for another post. Check back tomorrow for more on Martha Stewart: Online Dater.
Believe it or not, blocking out their eyes actually made this photo less creepy.
Sometimes one simple picture tells you enough to know you wouldn’t be a good match.
See if you can spot the little hint that tells potential suitors this might not be a great time to pursue her:
Seriously girls, DO NOT try this at home. Because you will just look really lame. And you will end up on a website somewhere being mocked.
Sadly, there’s no known cure for duck face so there will be more photos to come.
Sometimes it’s hard to tell who’s drunker: the subject or the photographer. (BTW, nice band-aid on the knee).