Match.com stats:

Total profile views: 1258 (54 since yesterday)

New received emails: 2 unsolicited

New sent emails: 1 new, 0 reply

New winks: 1

Optimism level: Onward and upward.

It’s been three days since I emailed “Homer” and four days since I called Bodybuilder Boy, so now I have to determine if there’s something I did in a 20 second voice mail or three line email message to cause their disappearing acts. As for the phone message, I get a lot of compliments on my voice, so I’m certain it’s not that. In my last email message to Bodybuilder Boy, I mentioned that every time I read or responded to one of his emails the song line that opens his profile would get stuck in my head for hours. So when I left the message I referenced that fact then quipped if we ever actually met I might end up at a nutty farm as a result. Maybe he took me too seriously and decided to spare my sanity.

As for nailing down any mistakes I may have made with “Homer,” that’s even tougher. The only one I could really come up with was that it took me three days to respond to his last email. It really wasn’t intentional on my part. I knew he was out of town so I didn’t think there was any need to rush with a response and the right words didn’t hit me. Time just sort of escaped me before I realized I needed to reply. So the delay was a possible reason that hit me immediately. Then I decided to check out the website I knew he had and it turns out there’s a blog on there. There is a gap in the blog from mid-October to Dec. 1 then one more post today. In today’s he wrote: My sex life is completely dependent on my dial up connection… No one wants to talk face to face anymore. ‘Call me, e-mail me, text message me.’ Jesus, how bad is my breath?!” I considered the fact that my last letter instructed him to email me when he got the chance. That seemed reasonable given that he was away and he’d indicated he didn’t have the “time or resolve” to invest in a relationship. It would have been a lot weirder for me to say, “As soon as you drop off your bags, let’s meet for a drink.” With “Homer,” I think he sent mixed messages and doesn’t really know what he wants. I’m not a psychic so there’s nothing I can do about that. In the end, I don’t feel I made any particular missteps, I guess it just wasn’t meant to be with either of these guys.

No sense dwelling on a couple of screen names- I’ve already contacted my next prospect. This guy sounds so similar to me it’s almost frightening. I realized that with the omission of one word I could easily replace my narrative with his. We sound almost perfect for each other- the “almost” being the religion issue. He said in his profile that he’s very spiritual but obviously has a disdain for religion. Since some people’s definition of “spiritual” can have nothing to do with God, it’s hard to know exactly where he stands. I guess his response (or lack thereof) will tell me.

EMAIL #1: This guy did a good job on his profile. His narrative is well-written and he made the right photo choices. He chose the best picture to be his primary photo and included other images that look similar enough to get a good idea of what he looks like. Unfortunately, what he looks like really isn’t my type and he’s an inch shorter than me. In his email, he asked A LOT of questions about my profile- good questions, grammatically-correct questions- but if I answered them all, there might be nothing left to talk about if we met. This one’s a dilemma because he sounds like a decent guy but there’s nothing that really grabs me. I still need that practice date, so I’ll have to consider him. Moved to folder: It can’t hurt… can it?

EMAIL #2: This character is a doozy. First of all, the guy lives 2000 miles away. How many months of rejection on Match does it take for someone’s search to reach the other end of the continent? Somebody kill me if I go beyond the next county. He’s got a plan for getting to know one another, offering up a Yahoo messenger ID, an MSN messenger ID and two email addresses. I don’t even know that many methods for contacting my own parents. Then he signed the email, “Love always…” Maybe I could forgive that particular flap if he was a teenage girl, but a 45-year-old man should know better. Moved to folder: Needs the contact info. for a good therapist.

Today’s wink came from a guy who’s three years younger and four inches shorter than me. Oh, and he lives in Armenia. Talk about leaving no stone unturned.