Match.com stats:

Total profile views: 1344 (19 since yesterday)

New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 1 solicited

New sent emails: 1 reply

New winks: 0

Optimism level: Does my profile say I beat puppies?

EMAIL REPLY #1: This morning I received a reply from one of the guys I wrote to yesterday (the favorite). In his note he wrote: You show alot of wit and spunk in your profile. I like that very much. My first thought was that “spunk” sounds like the sort of adjective Grandpa would use, but it’s actually pretty accurate and it’s good that he likes spunk. I wrote him back tonight, answered his questions and asked a couple of my own. I hope his next letter suggests getting together. Contact number four seems to be where I’m losing the guys so I’ve got to get plans nailed down fast.

EMAIL #1: This one had me laughing out loud. Where to begin. He kept it brief, as I’ve suggested, but it was a bit too brief, with the subject: you are enchanting~! ravishing~! breathtaking! and the body: Mark. Wow, I guess I’m so breathtaking he passed out before he could type the rest of the email. I took a look at his profile and the title says: 6 FOOT 5 CUDDLER HUGGER KISSER SPOONER-LOOKING FOR THE SAME~! Looking for the same? Good luck finding an NBA player who likes to cuddle and spoon. In his narrative, he mentions that he has size 16 feet which tells me he’s looking for a stupid woman who actually believes shoe size means anything. Under “religion,” he poses a bunch of questions like: why do i have to beg for a pillow on an airline? why is there no bathroom in Subway? Apparently he worships in the temple of Jerry Seinfeld. He does the same thing under “favorite hot spots” and “last read” making me wonder if he’s participating in Match.com’s “Who can fill their profile with the most useless nonsense” competition. Finally, he writes: Nobody puts baby in the corner. The only guys who can get away with quoting 80’s chick flicks are raging homosexuals. Maybe this guy is hilarious in person, but he didn’t pull it off in print. Moved to folder: Put baby in the corner.