Match.com stats:

Total profile views: 1398 (14 since yesterday)

New received emails: 1 unsolicited, 0 solicited

New sent emails: 0

New winks: 1

Optimism level: At least my old rejection letter’s getting a good response.

If you’ll recall, on day 4 I filled out eHarmony’s personality profile (”A $40 value FREE!” they say, but if it was really worth $40, they’d charge $40 for it) and they could only find two matches for me in all of LA. Well, apparently there’s some ambitious go-getter at eHarmony determined to do the impossible and find me a man. Today I received an email from them addressed to me and some guy named Daniel. They attempted to introduce us in the letter and stated that we’re “highly compatible.” So I decided to check him out (on eHarmony, only members can view photos so all I could see was his profile). He’s three inches shorter, eight years older, has two kids (and wants more) and lives an hour away. The three qualities he lists as his “best life skills” are attributes that would be way down on my list of what I want in a man. I don’t know what’s more pathetic: the fact that in almost a month, eHarmony could only find three possible matches for me (all who live at least half an hour away) or the fact that the ones they did find don’t seem like they’d be even remotely compatible with me.

I never heard back from the guy who wrote me a couple days ago (day 23). I am striking out right and left in the letter writing department! Though I’m still perplexed by the disappearances of “Homer” and Bodybuilder Boy, I’m pretty certain I know what happened this time. In his one email, he asked me some questions about my work. I told him that I’ve toured as a standup comic for years and recently switched to playing poker professionally. I then asked him a couple questions regarding interests listed on his profile. I kept it very short and straightforward, avoided any attempts at humor and made sure everything I wrote had a positive angle. There was nothing wrong with the letter. That’s why I know if his retreat had anything to do with me, it’s because of my work.

I can certainly understand how a guy with a traditional business background who’s looking for a possible wife might (mistakenly) regard one or both of my jobs almost as hobbies rather than serious careers. One thing I really liked about the previous guys is that “Homer” is a comic while Bodybuilder Boy is a professional poker player (and has a strong interest in standup comedy) so I knew I’d never have to explain myself to them. While it’s disappointing that the way someone perceives my careers in a couple of lines could cause him to lose interest in me, there’s not much I can do about that. Perhaps when the topic comes up in the future, I’ll only disclose one of the jobs or I’ll tell him I work in a variation of the job that’s easier to grasp. It wouldn’t be fully accurate but it would still be true.

So here’s where I stand on the six letters I’ve sent: three responded immediately then suddenly disappeared. One didn’t respond (I’ll admit, he was probably out of my league anyway) and two haven’t signed on to Match since I wrote them. I assume most people have their Match emails forwarded to their regular mailboxes so it’s pretty likely the last two received my emails and saw my enclosed photo but didn’t rush to check out my profile so I don’t expect to hear from either of them.

I know that sending only six emails in almost four weeks is a pretty pitiful attempt on my part, but that’s going to do it for the rest of the year as I think I’d do my chances more harm than good by initiating correspondence so close to Christmas. I’ll have to find some other way to keep my Match.com interest alive in the meantime.

EMAIL #1: I consider self-deprecation to be endearing in a person. But there are limits to how much is too much. This guy wrote:

It takes a lot of smarts to be funny so that puts me out of the running. And since i’m still living at home in my parents basement I don’t know if ‘independent’ is the right label either. Maybe we could get together…but it’ll have to be after my arraignment (no, really I was holding it for a friend!)

One little comment is cute but when the bulk of his letter consists of these sorts of statements, I can’t help but wonder if any of it really is true. Let’s face it, it’s a brilliant way to reveal less-than-appealing information. When he meets a girl, eventually takes her back to his place and says, “Shhh…my parents are sleeping,” he can respond to her look of disgust with, “Hey, I told you upfront that I still live with Mommy and Daddy.” I think he overdid it in his attempt at humor, but at least he tried so I browsed his profile. He’s 42 and wants kids so I don’t know why he’d waste time with me. He also listed 40 major interests. Of that 40, I’m only familiar with about half and not one would make even my top 500 list. Moved to folder: Too worldly for a bum like me.