Match.com stats:

Total profile views: 308 (69 since yesterday)

New emails: 3

New winks: 0

Optimism level: Already checking out other dating sites.

I realized that today is the last chance I have to change or cancel my subscription (I signed up for six months) so I decided to look into eHarmony and see what they have to offer. I spent about 20 minutes filling out their free personality test and learned that, yes, I have a personality. But apparently, I have TOO MUCH personality because they could only find two matches for me in the entire greater Los Angeles area. At eHarmony, they don’t let you get away with selecting someone based on shallow qualities like a chiseled chin or a $200K income- you have to take what they give you. I don’t know why they even told me about the two matches. They could have just said, “Keep your 50 bucks- there’s nothing we can do for you.” I guess I’ll stay at Match, but I’m shortening my subscription to three months.

The page views went way down today, which I’ll attribute to the fact that weekend numbers are probably somewhat inflated so I shouldn’t expect as much on the weekdays. I did a little bit of searching today, mostly viewing the profiles of guys who checked out mine. But this time I figured out a system to retain some privacy: I kept the list of screen names open in Firefox where I was signed in, then opened their profiles in Internet Explorer with cookies disabled so there would be no evidence it was me checking them out. It’s my way of avoiding the appearance of interest to those I’m not interested in and avoiding the appearance of desperation to those I am interested in (while giving the appearance of psychosis to anybody reading this). I guess it doesn’t really make sense to play hard-to-get when the mere presence of a public listing basically says, “Somebody…anybody…love me! PLEASE!!!” But I have to play a little bit cool.

EMAIL #1: Woohoo- somebody included my code word “falafel” in an email! Unfortunately, nothing in his profile indicates we’d be remotely compatible. He’s also four years older than the age range I listed and he’s clinging to a ’70’s porn star moustache. I really don’t care for facial hair though I can tolerate a small stylish moustache or goatee if I have to. But the porn ’stache? There are so many things wrong with it that I can’t get past. I think this photo proves my aversion is justifiable. Moved to folder: Not looking for Ron Jeremy.

EMAIL #2: This guy’s seven years older than my age range and I didn’t find him attractive in the main photo. But he looks younger than his age and he included “falafel” in his brief email so I decided to check out his profile (in stealth mode, of course). He seems like a pretty good catch on paper (lawyer, attended Yale and Harvard, similar religious and political beliefs). However, his profile text sounds like he lives a lifestyle I might want 20-30 years from now, but may be too slow and mundane for me right now. Moved to folder: Decent catch- for someone else.

EMAIL #3: No picture, no falafel, so he’s out of the running, but I still have to comment on the letter. Actually, it was more of a novella he sent me. Now, given all the rejection and unanswered emails, it’s understandable to want to cut and paste your basic email. But I think it’s a good idea to personalize it in some small way. This guy’s unabashed in his unoriginality, writing in his profile: Send me a wink or a mail and i send you the complete letter, this is just a quick view and some notes from that letter. Then he quotes excerpts from it- as if any woman would write to him requesting “The Letter.” In the unabridged letter (which he deemed me worthy of receiving without asking), he mentions that he just moved to L.A. from another country and writes: It would be nice to meet You, or maybe some people who can help me grow in the LA jungle. I guess it’s smart to keep your options open, but he might as well write, “If you’re not interested, do you have any friends you could pass me on to?” If my mind had not already been made up about him, this statement would have surely done it: Never had any problems to fish the pool of dating girls (at the end, when they know me, the prefer to go out with me, because I was so special, : Franco, I don’t know what it is, but you are amazing..wow. So I dumped them..amazing.pffftttt). Moved to folder: Who does he think he is?

My prospects are not looking good.