Match.com stats:

Total profile views: 391 (83 since yesterday)

New emails: 1

New winks: 0

Optimism level: Attention drifting to humorously bad profiles

I haven’t received any winks since the first day. It occurred to me that all the winks came in the wee hours of Saturday morning when I happened to be logged on to Match. It made me wonder if the four guys who sent them had been out at the singles bars with no luck, logged on to Match and found me logged on, then sent me a wink hoping I’d receive it and immediately invite them over for a quickie. I seriously wouldn’t put that thought process past the average guy.

EMAIL #1: Today’s lone email’s subject read: Your such a Hottie:} and the body said: You seem like a down to earth person:} This is the picture from his profile. No, he’s not a member of “Blue Man Group.” I did that part, but he’s responsible for the rest of this visual disaster. First let me state that you can upload multiple pictures. The main picture is available for anybody to view while the rest require a subscription to be seen. Maybe this guy submitted this photo to show he has a sense of humor. If that’s the case, it should be added to the “extras” while his best picture should be placed on the front page. This picture was so good (in a bad way), I had to check his profile to see if he’s a big jokester. I read nothing even remotely amusing. 90% of the Match profiles mention how hilarious they are (even though only about 20% show any sort of indication it’s true) but this guy didn’t even attempt to sell himself as funny. While reading his comments, it was obvious to me that he was a foreigner struggling with some words. Then I read he was born and raised in Chicago. Broken English is cute from a foreigner, not from an American. Moved to folder: Don’t need a pimp.

His email and profile highlight some of the many mistakes men make in their profile submissions that I want to address for those of you considering the online dating route. As for the text, if you’re not a good writer, get someone to help you with it. At the very least, use spellcheck. One of the major pitfalls to online dating for me is that I see poor grammar and writing skills as ignorance or laziness (or both). Typos and the occasional error, I can deal with. Indications that you never completed the third grade, I can’t. I also suggest keeping Internet cliches (like emoticons or “LOL”) to a minimum. They’re pretty girlie.

Also, while completing the profile, try to avoid drunken blackouts in the process as it can screw with the continuity. I can’t tell you how many profiles I’ve seen with the following:

They’re not sure if they want kids, but it’s definitely two kids they’re not sure of wanting.

I could go on and on about photo mistakes, but I’ll just mention the biggies. I appreciate it when guys submit body shots so we can inspect the whole package. But those shirtless pictures they apparently took for their failed Chippendale audition just say, “CHEESEBALL.” It doesn’t matter how great your physique is, put on a tank top- we’ll still get the idea. Also on the cheeseball front: pictures of you on your cell phone or pictures of you with material possessions like a fancy car. Then there are the baseball cap pictures. We know, we know- you’re balding. Balding isn’t always a bad thing, but we need to see if you’re handling it in a sexy way or in a tufts-of-hair or combover way. The self-taken picture isn’t a huge problem, but it’s easy to hold the camera in a position that doesn’t make it obvious you took it yourself. At least try to give the illusion that there’s some other human in this world who would want to take your picture. The final photo issue is the one with the ex-girlfriend hanging all over you. If that’s the best picture you can find of yourself, snip her out. I don’t need to see her and I’m sure she doesn’t want to be used in your advertising to replace her.

Is it asking too much for just a simple face shot?

I know I should be focusing on the positive instead of the negative, but sometimes a bunch of tiny negatives make it difficult to appreciate one big positive. While I doubt my profile is the epitome of the perfect profile, hopefully I’ve avoided any cringe-worthy elements that could be included in some guy’s online dating blog.