Match.com stats:

Total profile views: 761 (106 since yesterday)

New emails: 0 (”falafel” count: 2/12)

New winks: 4

Optimism level: I need an unsend button.

Well, today I did something that could land me in some guy’s blog of Match.com horror stories. I’ve been feeling bad about not responding to the emails. I could have used Match’s pre-made rejection messages (”Thanks for writing me, but unfortunately, we’re not a good match”). But it seemed to me to be the equivalent of saying, “Your pictures suck, there’s nothing you could say in writing to change that.” So I decided to write my own little pre-made rejection letter- informing them it was a form letter so they wouldn’t take it personally- listing some of the main reasons why I would normally pass on someone’s email. I mentioned the lack of a photo and compatibility conflicts as the main issues. I also mentioned the “falafel” thing and the fact that I (and possibly others) see major spelling and grammatical errors as either laziness or ignorance. Finally, I said that it never hurts to include a regular email address. I avoided the caustic writing style you’re all accustomed to- really, I can do that- and said it all as nicely as possible, wishing them luck in their search.

I KNOW that it was unnecessary to tell them all this. I KNOW some of my reasons sound anal and admitted that in my letter. I had nothing to gain by writing this (since I’d already chosen to reject them). I’m the type of person who likes answers. So if somebody told me there was some minor detail I could change to improve my chances of meeting a match, I’d be happy to hear it. But I forgot most people don’t want to hear it. They’d rather be oblivous to their flaws and continue to make the same mistakes over and over to their own detriment.

I figured some people might consider me arrogant for writing the letter, which doesn’t matter to me. If one person read it and decided, “Maybe I should add a photo or spellcheck my profile,” then it’s improved that person’s chances of finding a partner. I didn’t expect the email I received a short time later from the guy who wrote to me on day #2 with, “Do you like french fries?” He just spewed a bunch of insults at me, so I had to respond.

His first statement was in response to my suggestion of including an email address: Now if someone cannot pay a small fee per month to find the love of their life, are the really worth your time?

So I replied: There are a lot of reasons why someone might not CURRENTLY have a subscription, but like I said, it NEVER HURTS to include your email address. I’m sure anybody would pay to find the love of their life. Not everbody wants to pay to respond to inquiries like, “Do you like french fries?” (Yeah, that wasn’t very nice, but it made me snicker- and he wasn’t very nice to me first).

I explained that my intentions in sending the letter were good, then wrote: I’m sorry you felt my comments warranted insults from you. But considering the fact that the ONLY thing on my list you got right was including a photo, perhaps you should do yourself a favor and consider that my knowledge of what women want is probably better than yours.

Seriously, this guy’s profile had spelling errors galore, he didn’t include “falafel” and just about every answer in our profiles indicated we want completely different things. To top it off, he’s two years younger than what I said I’m looking for. I closed by wishing him luck, but I really didn’t mean it.

I guess I’ll try the Match.com rejections in the future.

I had planned to start sending out a few emails today but then I had second thoughts about my profile narrative. There seems to be too much, “I like,” “I want,” “The right guy should” and not enough evidence of a personality. So I’ll tweak it tonight then send out the first batch of letters tomorrow.

Right now there are four guys who really appeal to me, plus the guy I used to know (I’ll call him “Homer”). Then there are two others who also seem like good catches but may not see me as a good match (one wants kids, the other sounds like he’s not into white chicks). So tomorrow I’ll write to those two guys first and see what kind of a response I get. I figure if either of them shows any interest, that’s a good sign that perhaps at least one of the four who seem like better matches will also be interested. Tomorrow I’ll also email “Homer” because, based on his profile, he sounds like an almost perfect match. My only real concern with him is that his profile shows he has not logged on in two to three weeks. I just have to hope his lack of activity is not due to finding somebody else. That would be just my luck.

Finally, this is the first day that I didn’t receive ANY emails. NONE. ZILCH. Maybe the word is out that an email to me could result in an unwanted response from me. I’m just glad there’s no “comments” section on my Match profile.