Days 53 and 54: The Stuff I’m Leaving Out
January 10th, 2006Match.com stats:
Total profile views: 2008 (47 since day 52) New received emails: 0 New winks: 2 Optimism level: I guess I don’t deserve any better than I’m giving right now.
I just received a comment for day 52 that I think is worth exploring in detail. It’s basically in regards to how quickly I seem to write someone off based on a few lines in an email or profile. I suppose I should note that the factors I mention in my blogs are not always the only or even the main reasons why I reject certain guys. I usually just include the information I find somewhat amusing (or sometimes, horrifying). I’ve definitely omitted certain facts, some of which I’ll share now.
I’ll start with the first thing I notice when opening a Match email: appearance. I would guess that of all the guys who have written to me, one or two fall into the category of “moderately attractive,” about a handful fit into the category of “attractive enough if he’s got other things going for him,” another handful qualify as “he’d have to be a nearly perfect specimen in every other way” and the rest land in the realm of “I’d have to be so doped up I’d need my stomach pumped.” While looks aren’t everything, it can be a strike against someone and those strikes add up.
The next thing I notice is the spelling and grammatical errors (yes, I spot them even before I read the content). I would estimate that of the emails I’ve received (along with their profiles) only about 10% were written at a college level, about 40-50% were decent with occasional errors and the rest ranged from awful to worse. It’s an embarrassing indicator of the American educational system that the foreigners who post comments to my blog have better English writing skills than the guys writing me in their first language. Some may think it’s silly to place so much importance on this but I disagree. When you send an email or compose a profile on Match, you’re giving others an impression of yourself. If someone doesn’t care enough to take an extra minute to clean up his words so he can make a good impression, why should I be impressed with him? There’s also the fact that I’m a detail-oriented person who’s occasionally frustrated by people who aren’t. That these guys apparently don’t notice their errors is an indication they probably aren’t detail-oriented and that could be a personality conflict. So that’s one more strike that I rarely mention for specific individuals.
The glaring content flaws are what I usually write about. I don’t mention that some of the guys have very different likes or desires. I do cut guys some slack if their personality sounds a bit bland, which is somewhat odd since a good personality is what I’m searching for most in the profiles. But I know it’s difficult for everybody to translate that well in print.
That all said, I’ll mention that the best and longest relationship I’ve ever had was with a guy whom I probably would have removed from Match searches based solely on his picture. If I even got to his profile, his basic info. alone would have turned me away- he’s just so far from my type. But I met him in a work situation and we spent a lot of time together over the course of a month with lots of dinners involved (and a considerable amount of alcohol, I might add) and I eventually fell for him. Had we only gone on one or two dates immediately after meeting, I’m sure it would not have progressed any further. So while it’s possible I’ve turned away some great guys on Match, I think it’s unlikely (based on what little I know of them) that I’ve rejected anybody who would have excited me enough in one or two hours to want to pursue any sort of relationship.
Now, as far as the current action is going… I totally chickened out with George Costanza. We had tentative plans for Wednesday and I was supposed to call him to finalize the details. But I just couldn’t bring myself to call. I kept putting it off more and more and now it’s too late . As much as I dislike calling strangers, I still managed to make a call to Bodybuilder Boy- even after my interest in him had waned a bit. I think it was partially due to the fact that there was a physical attraction to Bodybuilder Boy while there’s absolutely none to Costanza. But I think even moreso it was because at the time, I thought there was a chance I’d be meeting Homer and I was anxious to get a trial date out of the way. Right now, I’m not corresponding with anybody who interests me (Adventure Man and Banana Man never wrote back), so, strangely, I seem to have less interest in meeting Costanza right now. I’m actually leaving town for a week so I’m going to email him, apologize and suggest maybe we can meet when we return. I’m not sure I want to do that, but there’s no way I could flake a second time. I figure either he’ll disappear or I’ll get that first date in simply out of a sense of obligation.
I totally agree with you on importance of grammatical capability. I think it’s also an indicator of intellectual coherence –wits, as a matter of fact.
As far as Costanza is concerned, I’m beginning to think your migraine was the doing of your subconscious trying to elude him
Is this too vulgar an assumption?
Everything you wrote about how you “disqualify” men, both online and in person, makes perfect sense to me as a man who understands women. For a man who doesn’t, it seems irrational and inconsistent. Hey guys, get over it - it’s the way they think. Understand it and roll with it.
A man who understands women? really? You’re one lucky dude, to the rest of us they’re just one enigma after another wrapped in a juicy fruit wrapper, God only knows what’s going on underneath..
Tim
You mentioned that you met guy from a work situation and at first didn’t like him until after some time.
I was thinking, during all your Match replies/winks/whatnot from guys interested in you, there has not been one person you have met and dated.
Correct me if I’m wrong if you already have dates with Match members. I could’ve missed a couple posts regarding your date experiences.
If what I said is true, I think people on Match are way more picky to start something with each other compared to those who were introduced in person, such as you and the guy you met in a work situation, whom you did not like in the first place, and you would have discarded him if you saw him in Match.
So do you feel that it is actually harder to find someone through Match, than through friends/co-workers/circumstances?
>If what I said is true, I think >people on Match are way more >picky to start something with >each other compared to those who >were introduced in person, such >as you and the guy you met in a >work situation, whom you did not >like in the first place, and you >would have discarded him if you >saw him in Match.
No, she would have discarded both of them equally. She is saying that by spending a lot of time with a guy, either in a friend situation or work environment, allows her to see past the fatal dating flaws that would reject him quickly. The only reason why she can get past these flaws is *because* she has no pressure of dating him. He gets in by “Stealth”. DO NOT rely on this to get to date a woman you like. It is *very* rare and too hit or miss.
Cameron almost nailed it, though I have to say a lack of dating pressure had nothing to do with my longest relationship blossoming. We’ve all met people we didn’t care for at first and then as we got to know them better we thought they were awesome. With my ex, I was able to get to know him in the process of my regular activities. I didn’t have to set aside time to find out if we might be compatible, which is what I’d have to do with anybody on Match. In a way, I’m eliminating guys based on my perception of whether I think I could be impressed by them enough in a one or two hour initial meeting to want to set aside another block of time to get to know them better. I’m drawing on plenty of years of personal experience (including my three previous Match dates) to assess that potential.
As I wrote early on, finding a man isn’t an urgent need for me. I don’t want to expend a lot of time emailing someone then making meeting arrangements then getting together when there are a plethora of indicators we won’t be compatible.
To answer Alvin’s final question- I think Match is a much easier way to meet someone but you’re doomed if there isn’t immediate chemistry. You’re so limited in your opportunities to make a good impression that there’s little room for errors. I’ve had to learn that lesson several times thoughout this process.
To answer elif’s question- I wouldn’t put it past my body to initiate a full scale assault as a subconcious message rather than just letting my mind work it all out pain -free. With Costanza, the only thing he really had going for him was his personality in print so when a couple red flags popped up, it made me start wondering if I could ever really go for him.
“I wouldn’t put it past my body to initiate a full scale assault as a subconcious message rather than just letting my mind work it all out pain -free.”
Amazing response. Guys, this is awesome stuff. Fifa is such a woman it’s not even funny. She fully realizes that she could be passing up the love of her life because she rejects him for a petty spelling error, but there is nothing she can do about it. GUYS YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS, AND NOT TRY TO FIGHT IT. Women work on feelings not logic. Fifa is giving us a rare insight into that mind.
Fifa, we love you baby. Don’t ever change (not that you could or should).
I think that Alvin Bhataras reflection on being “picky” at Match has a lot of truth in it. I have been active on a Swedish internet-dating site the last 2-3 months, and it´s my impression that you become quite picky, because there is (seems to be, at least) such an abundance of men and women, and everyone presents themselves as perfect. There are a lot of “gates” you have to pass in order to form a relationship, both persons have to like the photo, the
presentation, the mails, the phonecalls and the first meeting, whereas in real life.
Having sais that, I do not believe that it is more difficult to find someone at Match, because after 2-3 months you (I) become more realistic/lower expectations, at least if you have been through a couple of dates with guys who, after all, did not turn out to be Mr Perfect.
I do not understand Camerons comments that women (esp Fifa) works on feeling and not logic. I - being a woman - reckon that Fifa is extremely logic. There is - whatever you do - always a risk that you will miss the love of you life, because if you do something, that will prevent you from doing someting else. Time (and other resources) are limited. Fifa is (correct me if I´m wrong) merely doing a cost-benefit-analysis based on probability. Why should she waste time on guys with a low probability, when that time could be spent on doing something more interesting (and where she might happen to meet a guy, by chance)
Cameron’s last comments showcases one of the problems with the online dating scene. His last post sounds like he’s being sarcastic but as I believe (and as the last anonymouse poster seems to concur), I’ve been EXTREMELY logical in all my decisions. Probably too logical, which doesn’t always bode well for affairs of the heart.
Obviously Cameron thinks my assessment of spelling errors is “petty.” But a poorly written letter is a result of either ignorance or laziness, both of which are very unattractive qualities. It’s not the only factor I use in judging a guy’s potential but I do believe it’s a valid contributor.
I related to your experience with on-line dating and I liked the comments. I have bookmarked your blog and will be back when I have more time. Thank you it is very insightful.
hmmm, I bet if self-proclaimed women guru -Cameron- was writing you on match you would quickly file him in the ’slightly-icky-and-tries-too-hard’ bin.
Tim.